Track: Mary Jo Kopechne
(from the album "Death of a Favorite Cat", 1977)
Track: The Journey To Dallas
(from "Death of a Favorite Cat")
Track: Gimmy Jimmy
(from "Demise of a Preferred Feline") (kidding folks, kidding!)
Track: 500* of (C not F) Hit Vinyl
(from "D o a F C")
(from the album "969695", 1979)
(from the album "Way of the Wind", 1980)
Track: Puke O' Paducah
(from the album "969695", 1979)
Track: I Smell Rank
(from the album "R", 1988)
Track: Boris the Pterodactyl
Track: The Asshole Hall of Fame
(from the album "Length Has Everything To Do With It", 1990)
Track: No Mo' Cigamoes
(from "Length Has Everything To Do With It")
Track: Quayle Huntin'
(from "L H E T D W I")
Track: The Telephone Pole Song
(from "L H E T D W I")
Track: There's a Stranger In My Butt
(from you guessed it - "L H E T D W I")
Track: Pardon Me, I'm Gonna Be Sick
(from the album "Red Moon", 1989)
(yes, another one from "L H E T D W I")
Track: Guys With Ties
(from the album "Not The Next MagellanMusic", 1991)
Track: Welfare Sluts
(from "Not The Next MagellanMusic")
Track: I Can't Afford To Puke
(from "N T N MM")
Track: Backdoor Baby
(from the album "Who Watches The Watchers?", 1993)
Track: Billy Boy
(from "Who Watches The Watchers?")
Track: Mr. Dithers
(from the album "A Phanus XXX-mas", 1995)
Track: I Kissed A Frog And My Ass Turned Green
Length: 1:05(from "A Phanus XXX-mas")
Track: The Toilet
(from the bathroom)
How This Collection of Crap Came About
Back when the Vietnam War and the Watergate Affair were blessing and cultivating the greatness of our beloved country, two mentally lopsided teenagers still in High School felt like hitting the road a la Jack Kerouac. In this case it wasnt so much the search for freedom as it was the search for a very special cactus called Peyote. Its actually called The Divine Cactus. It happens to contain Natures finest gift to the World-As-We-Know-It, an ass kickin chemical called Mescaline. Folks, were talking some serious shit here. It alters consciousness, changes the entire structure of conception, it has no side effects, its not addictive, and you cant overdose on it. (I wonder if the Peyote plant would be the picture next to the dictionary description of Perfect?) Its strong enough to send you on trips to alternate universes (luckily it has never been known to accidentally send you to Uranus).
THAT, ladies and gentlemen, was the reason for the legendary Journey To Dallas, and what lead to Phanus Phallus Phobias. It was only called Journey To Dallas because we didnt have enough time to make it all the way to Big Bend National Park. Big Bend is on the border of Mexico and renowned for the most choice pickings of Peyote anywhere on planet Earth, and that was precisely our destination. We had heard that it was so thick in that general area that if you were trying to camp somewhere off-the-road and fell to the ground face first you could easily meet Mr. Mescaline face to face accidentally!
In case anyone is interested, there are different ways to ingest Peyote. The most common is tea, which is how its served in the Peyote Way Church of God (people worship this stuff! Are you believing this!?). Others, like us snotty-nosed Drug Brats (Chemical Chameleons, Chemical Radicals, Chemical Embiciles), performed the unmitigated nerve of actually eating it. This is where we delve into the momentous Universal Propensity of Horrifyingly Torturous Flavor. We never attempted comparing it, but we suspect that Shit was a marked improvement. In fact, its worse than that, probably comparable to Septic Tank scrapings. We always wondered if water from the Love Canal would be tasty in washing it down (at least that stuff would make you glow in the dark and help you save on your electric bill).
Anyway, the disappointment in not reaching Big Bend National Park was considerable but not crushing. Thanks to foresight, we traveled in preparation (not Preparation H). We consumed an entire quarter pound of very potent marijuana in less than a week, which included making some of the most shit-kickin Magic Brownies ever ingested by human beings. After floating home from our journey, we werent sure if wed just experienced the most amazing head trip ever experienced, or an actual, verifiable journey. That has been in question for years since the motorcycle we traveled on had fewer miles after our time on the road! It could have been a week, it could have been a year. We carefully checked our calendars to affirm proper date (and year), even called our employers to verify the fact that we were still employed. How we remembered any part of that fabled journey after continuous pummeling from TetraHydra Cannabinol is still a mystery.
It must have been the song we wrote. After the initial explosion of all the MagellanMusic efforts, the hilarity of such a trip wouldnt leave us. A folk song developed, which was a unique change from the usual progressive music scene. Folk songs often speak of legends, so this was a natural. When we were finished it was over 10 minutes in length, but we werent worried because of the natural use of normal street language. We forgot about the accepted lyrical etiquette and told the story straight up. We figured that our audience would be a bunch of drug heads, so, what difference would it make? Sure enough, it had an immediate affect on everybody. People enjoyed it, laughed heartily. Using foul language was real for a change, down to Earth. By golly, wed found something good! Even the preposterous name we found Phanus Phallus Phobias was equal to the task.
When in a boat without a paddle one has to go with the flow, so we started writing new songs in the same vein. Lots of them. We looked around and saw so much insanity in the world, so much lousy political, economic, and social bullshit, that if wed written about everything that could piss off a normal, working, law-abiding taxpayer we could have abandoned MagellanMusic entirely. As these songs collected it was immediately obvious that people enjoyed it immensely. These slam-bam-thank-you-maam kind of songs were NOT what was expected when hearing what sounded like Folk songs.
People were shocked to hear us sing Mary Jo Kopechne, for instance. He wants a piece of ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah! Well, come on guys, think about it! Mary Jo was Kennedys personal secretary, his wife wasnt around, they were at a very high class party, they got hammered, they hopped in their car, Kennedy drove like a bat out of hell and to do what? Have breakfast at the nearest Dennys? I doubt it! I too have been at a party where I was hornier than a Toad and would have attempted challenging Jesus to his Walk On Water trick if it meant scoring that luscious babe Id been after all night. And thats what the Kopechne incident sounded like to us. Plus, we couldnt believe that anybody could get away with killing someone (even if it was accidental). If that had happened to you or me, we might have become inmates somewhere and Bubbas new girlfriend, or at least become best friends with our friggin Parole Officer. That was how we felt about it, thats the way we sang it; THAT was what Phanus Phallus Phobias was all about.
To this day Phanus Phallus Phobias is alive and well and we have the same problem as before - so many puzzling, angering social issues that theres almost too much to sing about. Its a part of MagellanMusic, and songs are usually included on MM albums regularly, but this is the first Phanus album of its own to be presented to the public. Its a compilation that spans our time together, and the songs are in very close sequential order of when they were released. If you care to know more, here are a few words about each song:
1. Tobacco Obviously it was tongue-in-cheek reference to marijuana!
2. Mary Jo Kopechne Hey! Didnt we talk about this one already?
3. The Journey To Dallas Thankfully, this is an edited version at less than 6 minutes. Much better on the ears!
4. Gimme Jimmy Jimmy proved himself as a first class Ambassador, but as President a crash course in Sales Techniques by a Fuller Brush man wouldve helped.
5. 500* of (C not F) Hot Vinyl To put it simply, Per and Vince were superb shoplifters! And what they specialized in was albums. They were so good that at High School it literally grew into a business. Even the Teachers would partake in the pass-around catalog (which had to be hand-written every day), from which everyone would put in their order, which we would promptly fill, and deliver the next day. It was one dollar for a single album, two bucks for a double album. Special Orders were higher however.
6. Russia There were many of us who could not possibly understand what the hatred for Russia was all about. The Red Scare from the 50s may have had a basis, but we were forever lead to believe that Russia was the Fire-Eating Dragon bent on kidnapping the Beautiful Princess and having her for dinner - dainty undergarments and all. All a bunch of bullshit. Hitler himself would have been proud of such amazing propaganda.
7. Pants This one was for fellow musicians. Basic truth is, it doesnt matter what you sing, how you sing it, what you play, or how you play it, if the cash register isnt ringing at the door or at the bar, youre out! But when on stage, the antics of the crowd are sights to behold!
8. Puke O Paducah Jeez, the songs speaks for itself loud and clear!
9. I Smell Rank Ever have one of those days when your work day has felt like an entire week and just sitting on the most comfortable chair in the house is a blessed event and merely taking a shower is the last thing you wanna do?
10. Ronnie Another one of those Presidential Administrations where the Pres just isnt in control. This is perhaps Mr. Reagans most famous quote: I have orders to be awakened at any time in the case of National Emergency, even if Im in a Cabinet meeting.
11. Boris the Pterodactyl Funny how megastars have the knack of bringing the house down if they sing a 40 second song
12. The Asshole Hall of Fame The world needs one, badly; a place to regale the spectacle of those who have earned and deserve such recognition.
13. No Mo Cigamoes Weve all heard 50,000 stories of people trying to quit smoking, but most of the time it doesnt work. Nothing quite like that first toke off your cig if you havent smoked for a week. Aah!...
14. Quayle Huntin Considering that Dan Quayle was the most inept, bumbling fool to ever inhabit the Office of Vice President, #2 in the chain of command of the most powerful country on Earth, were endlessly surprised that some nut case didnt try to remove him from politics permanently.
15. The Telephone Pole Song Next time you break up with your love mate listen to this one! It may be directed at women, but it serves well for all!
16. Theres A Stranger In My Butt Sometimes these unspeakable gut problems we have are beyond explanation. Its not a simple medical problem, it feels like somethings alive in there, like youre about to give birth to something that inspired the movie Its Alive.
17. Pardon Me, Im Gonna Be Sick Nothing is as memorable and cherished as hanging your head over that toilet bowl and gushing the memories of a fantastic party last night that left you with the worst hangover in history.
Huh? Yes, there are songs so terrible that youd love to just unload the entire clip of your machine gun to shut him up!
19. Guys With Ties They look like Clones dont they? Perfect suits and ties, shoes polished to mirror finish, not a single hair out of place, unquestionably the superior race.
20. Welfare Sluts Unfortunately, there are those who do it for a living, using criminal methods, and are as open-legged as they are open-minded. The sickest scam of them all.
21. I Cant Afford To Puke Nothing like going to buy just basic stuff like food, socks, and underwear, then notice you have only a $20 bill to last you for the week. And as this dampens your spirits, you turn on the TV and see the Presidential candidates promise how much theyll improve your life if elected. Yeah. Right. Lovely.
22. Backdoor Baby A journey down Ye Olde Hershey Highway is rather unforgettable
23. Billy Boy Another classic Presidential tale that took the whole country on a journey down Ye Olde Hershey Highway
24. Mr. Dithers Always, and I mean ALWAYS, take a good, long look at your doctor before he treats you!
25. I Kissed A Frog And My Ass Turned Green A fairy tale on Acid perhaps?
26. The Toilet One of the greatest inventions of all time. Perfect way to end a classic CD!
We hope you enjoy!
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