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A HISTORY OF PHANUS

Phanus Phallus Phobias
A History of the Absurd

Phanus Phallus Phobias...  Hmm.  What can one say about a pair of jokesters who found a way to reflect life as many people see it but afraid to say it in the brutal manner it is seen?

Please read that sentence one more time.
Still doesn't make any sense does it?

Who cares, right? WELL, WE DO DAMNIT!  It was Per Jensen and the inimitable Vince Pompanelli (whose cousin Vito was the type who sent 'clients' on L - o - n - g  vacations at Lake Disaperior) who accidentally bumped into a bizarre approach to music.  One day, in the midst of 'progressive rock' music pursuit, in the midst of prodigious use of hemp related products (such as the mucho ingestion of ‘macaroni’), these weirdos came up with a song called "The Journey to Dallas".  It was about an epic, mythic adventure so clouded in the mist of time (and so clouded in the smoke of potent marijuana) that it was the only way to remember it.   They soon discovered that it was the biggest hit of every 327 parties they attended within the next two weeks.  People would fall about with laughter.  They would also laugh hysterically when they once saw a fellow pinch his dick in the zipper when leaving the bathroom, but that's beside the point.  Vince and Per were a big hit, pure and simple.  Folks would request the song several times in a single night, sometimes as often as asking for the joint being passed around.

Per and Vince were puzzled.   Especially after they smoked dope "...blacker than ape shit..." (according to the song), but still weren't sure why the song would go down so well.  They figured that the gorgeous blond would go down well too, but that end would never come (pardon the pun).   Anyway, they went to work on some new songs because it was really easy to find 'ammunition' for them.  First was the unforgettable controversy of Teddy Kennedy having killed a woman.  There had always been a strong suggestion that he was after a 'tailpiece' from her, but had inadvertently parked and locked his car in 10 feet of water.  He forgot to let her out.  Brilliant.  Another great way of Phanus spitting out reality and pissing off liberal Democrats.  It was so big a hit at parties that the biggest ‘hits’ off joints in the history of parties was done on Phanus’ behalf (because they knew that Phanus could consume half a joint in just two ‘hits’).

Then there was "500° of (C not F) Hot Vinyl".  Vince and Per had made themselves famous by stealing albums, so successful that it literally became a business.  They assembled ‘catalogs’, took ‘orders’ one day, filled the order the following day.  This actually took place at high school, where even the teachers would partake in low prices and ready availability of so many LP’s (basic theory of the billion dollar Best Buy company, who owes Phanus at least half their wealth), and of course give Per and Vince passing grades in thanks.  These alleged teachers scooped up the goodies, but getting them through high school was their job and didn’t care if Phanus’ combined IQ equaled the weight of a sea turtle.

Unfortunately, Phanus only survived until late 1977 when Vince decided another planet was the best place to go.   It was called “Oregon”.  It was such an exciting place that he dropped it to join the Army.  Due to his famous intellect (knowing the difference between a tire and a shoe) he was assigned to Army Intelligence.  This was of course a textbook example of ‘oxymoron’, but Vince was pissed off badly because he did NOT have a brother named Oxy.  Eventually, Vince would take advantage of the Army’s education assistance program and study law.  The only thing he understood was the law he could never break - Gravity.  Plus, as often as he’d seen court as a teenager, he felt representing himself would be cheaper.   Success (which Vince thought was a contraction of the word “suck cesspool”) was finally granted when he actually passed the Bar exam by drinking a 12 pack of beer in one hour.

Per continued to pursue Phanus Phallus Phobias music.  He suffered from terminal flatulence but it turned into his major influence.  So strong (besides odor) that it would later influence his old friend Amariah to the point of almost naming his new group StrangeGasCloud.  It was thanks to Amariah’s cosmopolitan knowledge of sex toys (such as Buttplugs) that would allow Per’s creativity to flower.  Numerous songs of amazing variety would flow (controlled by Kaopectate) with such brutal, wacky, repugnant flavor (besides odor) that it grew into the most popular form of MagellanMusic.

In the early 1980’s Phanus had a strange experience.

Then, by the mid 1980’s an old friend and cohort of Per’s named Vladimir Zsoerbin unofficially officially joined MagellanMusic.  He had been with a band called “The Pterodactyl Club”, but members failed to pay union dues and the conceptual egg never hatched.  He fell in love with MagellanMusic, but was a drooling maniacal fan of Phanus Phallus Phobias.   It is said that Vlad was so passionate for their music that all 26 of Vlad’s personalities accounted for a new Fan Club.  Nobody could ever figure out how so many ‘personalities’ could co-exist, such as sleeping and jogging simultaneously.  In a short time Vlad’s emotional zeal was so powerful that 30 page Fan Club newsletters appeared every week.  Every detail of their lives was reverently detailed for historical purposes.   He would issue News Flashes of important events, such as AAA’s frequent bathroom visits to poop.  Or Vince’s conclusion that the worst client a lawyer could have was himself.  Or the announcement of Per’s decision to make a decision.  Best of all, it wasn’t just Vlad’s upbeat attitude toward the band, which had a tremendous effect on all of them, it was the wonderful music he contributed to Phanus.  The endless frustrations of life had stewed within him for many years, which created a gastric phenomenon called the “Lawn Sprinkler Syndrome”.   He would burst from every pore, and he was forced to build a full sized, standing toilet of mythic proportions known as a ‘Brick Shithouse’.  Phanus became his calling.  Vlad could now blow out even his emotional turmoils in every direction.  This is why live Phanus performances were done with Vlad on a different stage usually three or four miles away.

It was 1995 when an entire album of Phanus Phallus Phobias finally appeared.  It was entitled “A Phanus XXX-Mas”, and it quickly became the best selling album in MagellanMusic history.  As it wrecked the supposed ‘sacred’ image of Christmas it also became the best selling flying ‘target’ in shotgun shooting galleries; two reasons why Phanus is more proud of suck cesspool they might ever experience.

As we speak (and still flatulate), the story happily continues.  Age takes its toll (only $1.50 per booth) but Phanus is as active now as ever before.  Vince’s jail sentence has been reduced and should rejoin the band in 4 years, 3 months, and six days.  Vlad has dealt with his medical problems by an experimental procedure called ‘Mummification’, which should have him back to normally abnormal life very soon.  Amariah is rumored to be taking part in Phanus as well.  A recent surgical procedure was done in order to relieve his chronic sinus condition.  The world’s first sinus transplant took place, the donor a Simian Jackass, and Amariah is said to be doing well.  Per has had his share of medical problems too; so severe that a neurosurgeon was necessary.  His surgeon (Erin Enuffbomb) graduated from the Dick Cox School of Medi-Sin, having done so well that he was third in his class (of five).  Per, unfortunately, had to suffer three brain surgeries, the last two because Dr. Enuffbomb had accidentally lost his wedding ring.

In conclusion, there is no band so forcefully original than Phanus Phallus Phobias.  Brutal, no bullshit, flagrant honesty is a necessary need in our exasperating society.  A final, complimentary word for Phanus is ..


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